My Rant

When I became a Mom, I had no idea what it would mean to be an advocate. I gotta tell you, it's the hardest part of being a Mom.

Marshall is 6 years old and has Asperger's Syndrome. When he came home from the NICU, I could tell from the get-go that he was a VERY different baby than Nate was. Sure, Nate had Colic, and went through a really fussy time, but he grew out of that stage.

When Marshall came home from his 3 week stint at the NICU (Newborn Intensive Care Unit), he was very irritable, very easily overstimulated, and didn't sleep much.

This picture doesn't really help you see just how tiny he was. It's hard to tell without something to compare it to. He is under 2 Bili Lights as well as a light bed due to his sever jaundice. He also has tubes to help him breathe, and an IV in his Umbilical Cord. He's also hooked up to several monitors

A Few Weeks Old Three Years Old

The puppy really helps you understand how small he was. It's the same puppy in both pictures. In fact, he still sleeps with that puppy today.

So, now back to the topic at hand. Advocacy. Sometimes I just want to be MOM. So what if I let him play a video game? Oh, and if I didn't make him practice writing his letters, I think the world will not end! The biggest problem I'm having right now is finding a good doctor. I had to switch Pediatricians COUNTLESS times before we found an AWESOME one in Orem, Utah. Then we had to go and move to Missouri and I have to start over. Our new doctor came highly recommended by a few people, but whenever I meet with him, and try to get help for Marshall, he's just quick to throw a medication on him without even really listening to what is going on with him. When I became frustrated with him because he was in such a rush, he told me he has a schedule to keep. He said I wouldn't want to be waiting for an hour, and he just gets too far behind. Well..what am I paying him for then?? We have a Psychiatrist who we don't trust. Wow. We're 0 for 2 on the doctor department. What is a Psychiatrist good for then? Why do we need one? Last time we went in, she was trying to get us to give him ADHD meds again. WE WILL NOT DO THAT. They have a paradoxical effect on him, and we don't want to deal with that anymore.

Tonight I am mad. Mad at doctors who waste my time and money. I'm mad that I have to drive an hour each way to take him to Occupational Therapy, then when we get home, I'm supposed to have time for Nate, cook dinner (Brian is a huge help in that area), listen to Marshall read, and deal with his tantrums when he doesn't want to do his homework or reading. My husband is VERY supportive and helpful, but he's getting so burned out too. It's been a lot of years with very few answers, and I get overwhelmed when I think of all the things I am SUPPOSED to be doing with him but I don't. I'm supposed to make sure he has a "sensory break" every 2-3 hrs. That means I should swing him or make him jump on the trampoline (JUMP...not just go play an imaginary game outside) or do an obstacle course (which of course I need to set up, then force him to actually do it).

Then we have moments of pure awesomeness. I get those "tender mercies" when I snuggle in bed with him at night. When his sleep meds have kicked in, and he's tired and happy and snuggly, and when he kneels down to say his prayers in his head, but I can see his lips moving, and he is really praying. There are tender mercies of hugs and kisses and laying down next to him until he falls asleep at night. There are the awesome parent/teacher conferences and hearing his Primary teacher (church class) tell me how she just loves him, and he is so well behaved. There are the hilarious things he says that make us all laugh and forget all the stress for a while. There are wonderful times when I just love being his Mother. And all the time I'm grateful he is mine. Through the good times, and the REALLY bad times, I'm so glad he is my little boy. Marshall, you will always be my Bugaboo. "I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my Marshall you'll be."