What I've Learned Since January 9, 1993

Mom doing what she loved most- directing her children's choir, Young Naperville Singers

Our family Christmas 1992, one month before she died

I told myself I would blog about this anniversary of sorts. What do I write though? Today marks 18 yrs since my mother passed away after a long hard battle with Breast Cancer.

I can still remember the day she died. It was a very cold, VERY snowy morning in January. She had been sick for a long time, and we had basically watched her die slowly. I was a bratty teenager, and did my best to avoid being around my dying mother. It was hard. Looking back, I wonder if I was avoiding her in hopes that if I didn't accept the fact that she was dying, then she would live. Well, whatever I was doing, it didn't matter. She died anyway. Gosh, that was hard to deal with. I cried until I couldn't cry anymore, and then I cried again. I missed her terribly (still do). I wondered how I could ever be the same.

Well, here I am 18 years later. I am not the same (THANK GOODNESS). I've grown up a lot. My life hasn't turned out picture perfect like I had planned in my head, but it's perfect enough. What have I learned since then? I will never know why I had to lose my mother so early in life, but I kind of feel like one trial in life prepares you for the next.

Through a series of wrong choices, I married a guy in 1996, and immediately knew I had made a mistake. But, I was determined to live up to my mistake and make it better. I tried for 6 1/2 yrs to make that marriage work, but I couldn't do it. I got one REALLY awesome kid out of the deal, and divorce was the best thing I did in that relationship. It was hard to be a single Mom. Heck, I was pretty much a single Mom all of Nate's life. That is, until I met my husband Brian.

Brian and I were married in 2003, and we are ALL very happy. Nate doesn't remember his "real" Dad, and that's just as well since his "real" Dad was using drugs among other things. Brian became Dad (legally as well in 2005). We were a happy family of 3, and then Marshall joined our family. He was born October 24, 2004, but was very premature.

Marshall is a joy, and we really are happy to have him in our family, but he has a form of Autism, and most of the time he is really out of control. He doesn't like to be, but he can't always help it. It isn't easy being the mother of an Autistic child. Heck, it isn't easy being the brother or Dad of an Autistic child either. Every day we wonder how we're going to get through the day, but every day we manage. (Some days better than others.)

So, what does all this have to do with losing my Mom? I'd like to believe that Heavenly Father was preparing me for the stress and heartache and challenges that come when I make wrong choices and marry the wrong guy, then have to live with those choices and make it right again. I'd like to think that losing my Mom at such a crucial time in my life was preparing me to raise Nate to be a wonderful young man who has an unshakable testimony of God the Father, and His son Jesus Christ, and of the Atonement (among other things). I'd like to think it was preparing me for the stress and joys of raising a child with Autism.

If I could have it any other way, would I change it? As much as I want my mother around, I'm not sure I would be the person I am today if I hadn't gone through that stress. Plus, I have a great step-Mom. She doesn't take the place of my mother, nor does she want to, but I've learned that another Mother can love me too, and that feels pretty good.

The thing that helps the most though, is knowing that death is not the end. I WILL see my Mother again someday. My parents were married and sealed for time and all eternity in the temple so that our family circle won't be broken if we repent of our sins, and do our best to follow the commandments. (More on temples here). It's really what gets me through when I miss her the most.